The jokes
What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
My mom loves balls.
But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.
Why did the little boy get hit by a car?
Answer: Because Sally was driving!
A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."
"A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.
"Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."
Memes
When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...
But they know you're blind.
My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.
What's the difference between a school shooting pistol and a baked potato? The physical composition, of course, but they both pack the same heat.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”