The jokes
What is China's favorite restaurant?
The Pet Store.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...
Memes
Sally fell off the swing.
Sally has no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
What song was played at the flatulent centenarian's birthday? Candle in the Wind!
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
I was in a maze and I got to the end and they congratulated me. I said that was a-maze-ing!
What is the difference between a snowman and a snow girl?
Snowballs.
Q: Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!"
Why did C.S.C fail the Trig test? Cosecant remember his own name! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
Yo mama is so ugly, the sunglasses walked away.
What's the difference between a brand new Oldsmobile and a brand new Raping?
...Rape.
What’s the worst part of being a pedophile?
Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?
The bus driver hit Sally.
What's the same with a controller and a woman?
They both work if you hit them.