The jokes

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

Why don’t Indians play soccer?

Because every time they’re at the corner, they build a store.

What did God say when he made the first black man?

"Crap, I burnt one!"

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I asked the emo kid if he was depressed that his phone died before him.

What is the darkest month?

Black History Month.

What’s a priest's favorite sport?

Golf, because most of the holes are less than 18.

What’s the difference between Mexicans and stoners?

Stoners have papers.

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?

Fall Guys.

Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.

Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:

Starters - Foreplay

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl

Dessert - Blowy

Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.

"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."

"That's your lookout."

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?

"Make me one with everything."