The jokes
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
Where's your mom?
In the bin.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.
Why do orphans pick apples? Because that's the only thing they can pick.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.
What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What's the slowest train in the world? A slow coach!
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.
Why do orphans not buy a keyboard? Because they can’t use the home button.
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"
Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"