That jokes

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

You're so skinny that a Wi-Fi signal is stronger.

Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.

Your hairline goes so back that it’s ingrained in history.

“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”

“Life is going swimmingly,”

“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."

What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.

Hey, guy, you suck! Why do I suck? Because you're the one that's sucking juice out of a straw.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"