Stone jokes
What was on Stephen Hawking's gravestone? "Intel inside."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Yo mama so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
Medusa makes men hard.
Hello, this is Godlygirl26. I want to help people with their problems no matter what. There is nothing that God cannot do. I want y'all to know that God is with you, not any of those stone or wood "gods" but a true, loving, powerful God. DM this right here and I will answer. Hope I can help you! Love, Godlygirl26.
What do you call a stoned Mexican?
Baked bean.
Yo mama is so strict that Thanos couldn't collect the Infinity Stones until he had done his homework.
Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.
You can't drink alcohol or dance.
Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.
What does RIP stand for on Maddie's head stone?
Raped in Portugal!
Yo hairline so bad when people see it, they turn to stone.
Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.
What’s an orphan's high school nickname?
Lone stone.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
Your hairline's so ugly, it turned Medusa to stone!
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Do you know Stephen is dead? He doesn't have a stone. Do you know how to find him? A metal detector.
What’s the difference between a dad and a boulder?
About 15 stone.
Girls are like stones.
The flat ones get skipped.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.