SOS jokes

Spring is here, I got so excited, I wet my plants!

What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball? Because they can never find home.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

How did the toilet react when it received a gift?

That was so pot full (thoughtful)!

I needed to take a phone call, so I went to the nearest exit. I guess you can say it was very exciting! 😂

Ah, what's that on your face? Oh, I forgot, that is your ass. It's so ugly, you stupid-looking bitch!

Why was the people's wedding so miserable...

'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.

Why do orphans look at a house for so long?

'Cause they never had one.

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

So um uh I like people who like people who like people.

When you hide in the girl's bathroom so the school shooter won't go in there: 😃

When you notice that the school shooter is female: 😟

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

Yo mama so ugly, she made One Direction go the other direction.

Yo mama so ugly, she made One Direction go the other direction.

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

How do you put a baby in the blender feet first so you can see its facial expressions?

How do you get it out? Tortilla chip.

What song does an orphan hate?...

"I'm so lonely."