Somebody jokes

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.

When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.

Then you know they're faking depression. 🙂

If you know it, you know it.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

I just wish I went on a date with Ariana Grande, and then everybody knew I fucked Ariana Grande.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute?

They wanted somebody to call "daddy."

Somebody told another person that they would meet at the crack of dawn.

Let's just say Dawn got very mad.

Your life literally is as valuable as a summer ant. I'm just gonna stomp you, you're gonna keep coming back, I'm gonna seal up all my cracks, you're gonna keep coming back, why? Cause you keep smelling the syrup, you worthless bitchass nlgga! You're gonna stay on my dick until you die. You serve no purpose in life, your purpose in life is to be on my stream sucking on my dick daily. Your purpose in life is to be in that chat blowing a dick daily. Your life is nothing, you serve ZERO purpose. You should kill yourself, NOW! And give somebody else a piece of that oxygen and ozone layer that's covered up so we can breathe inside this blue trapped bubble. Cause what are you here for? To worship me? Kill yourself! I mean that with a hundred percent with a thousand percent.

Stephen Hawking went bankrupt after he found out somebody in his house was costing him way too much money on electricity bills.

He just couldn’t figure out who.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

Somebody told me to go to hell, so I walked up to Donald Trump.

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.

This is not a joke, nor did I come up with it.

If somebody calls you ugly, just hug them and say, "Life must be hard for you since you have visual impairment!"

Everybody add @christianisni22 on Snap!

He's a hot babe and he's single.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."