Scalpel jokes

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

I wanted to get brain surgery.

I changed my mind.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...

A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"

"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"

They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"

"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.

What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?

A baby playing with a scalpel.

What part do people slit the most?

Everyone.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

Why download Fruit Ninja when you have your arm?