Pick Jokes

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff?🤨

Me: What?

The person: you said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: colourful flamingo fart.

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

Two old Indian ladies out picking Potato's one ladie stops staring at this huge potato turning it round and round . The other old Ladie sais to her what are you doing she sais these potato's remind me of my ((husbands nuts )) she sais oh my are they really that BIG she said no there that dirty. lololol

Please Fokes you can hit the thumbs up button on the ones you like. There is no need to repost..

*Anyways*

Knock knock Who's there? Can I come in? Can I come in who? Can I Come In You!?

More often than not, I will cry when I masturbate.. Some nights I'm a real tear jerker! But on the nights and I smoke a lil pot and then masturbate, my dad ends up bugging me because I am a weed wacker.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

How does Popeye keep his manly part from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oil.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs are in the the tub feeling "HAPPY". Happy got out now they are fucking "GRUMPY"

What's worse than waking up and finding a "Penis" drawn on your forehead? Finding out it was "Traced"

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster what would you have? 3 feet of my cock up your ass

Did you know Batman was actually Black? Yeah he couldn't go a night with out Robyn!

Did you hear Gods Word Of The Day? Its Legs! Now lets go out and spread them.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cunt-sway-low

Whats worse than sucking 25 oysters out of your Grandmas Pussy? Realizing you only put in 15

Two to the one from the one to the three I like good pussy and i like good trees Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe And i get more ass than a toilet seat Three to the one from the one to the three I met a bad bitch last night in the d Let me tell you how i made her leave with me Conversation and hennessey I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped If i ain't got a weapon i'ma pick up a rock And when i bust yo ass i'ma continue to rock Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet It's real easy just follow the beat Don't let that fine girl pass you by Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind

The Man: "Sonny why do you come to get some milk every day?" The Son: "Because , milk is important." The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?" The Boy: "Who?" The Man: "Your mom?" The Boy: "I don't have a mom." The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss." The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy .

There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches , I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish !

Then there is a bear , he thinks if that fly drops six inches , that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish !

This huntsman also thinks to him self 🧐 if that fly drops six inches , fish jumps up , bear runs out eats the fish . I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear .

Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse , who also thinks to him self 🧐 if that fly drops six inches , fish jumps , bear runs , huntsman shoots ,

He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket !!!!

I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!

Meanwhile ..,

there’s This cat !!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....

Easy pickings ...

Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches . Fish jumps up . Bear grabs the fish . Huntsman shoots the fucking bear ,

DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE !!

Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie

The cat Slips over him ( stacks it ) cat falls in the river ...

LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS .............

every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet )

WALLOP ... try remembering all that in A pub pissed . Xx

So one time I was with my girlfriend crazy right but we were doing a tictok eye fallow challenge and she pulled up a pick of where Stacy for in to the spider verse and I look some were I shouldn’t and she smacked me and I changed to the rock and you know where she looked wtf right in the no no square and since she was a girl all I could do was sit back and watch

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey is dad late to pick you up again? Child: No mum. Dad is here but he is talking about me to the Mrs Lili the math teacher Mom: Can you here them? Child: I think... they are watching a good movie. Mom: Why do you think that? Child: Because I keep hearing this HOLDS ONTO PHONE AND clap, clap, clap

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him Rachel said. Watch two martial arts movies , eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar. Jim replied with a shocked look, that's what I do after Mr tugman shakes my hand to long.

One time a crow saw a peacock and then wanted to be like a peacock so picked up peacock feathers and then wear them then he starts walking and everybody thinks he's strange and then his friends are not his friends anymore and then after that he says friends please be my friends again I'm sorry I will be the way I am

A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?" "Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive." "Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway

because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Ooming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

- Barry? - Adam?

- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!

- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!

Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!

Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!"So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “I do.” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”