Pet jokes

My dog died. I'm so sad.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.

He was a great πthon.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

What's yellow and can’t swim?

Your dead fish.

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...

Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.

Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.

What do you call a bulldog and a shih tzu? A bullshit.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter; he's not coming.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?

'Cause it's a car-PET.

What would be a pet's favorite thing to click on on this website?

Cat-egories.

Get it?

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.