Parademic jokes

If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.

If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.

And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!

"Slow and steady wins the race."

What is the difference between a cow and a chicken?

It's white and it's brown.

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.

Which nut is worth the most? A cashew.

Who named their daughter Macadamia?

A couple of nuts.

Which type of nut goes to outer space?

An astro-nut.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Peanut. Peanut who? Peanut butter open the door!

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

Ganesha is an elephant.

"Roses are red, Shut up and go to bed!"

A dog found a bone. Then he was walking happily across the street, and he saw a bridge. He decided to walk on the bridge. He saw his reflection and thought it was another dog. Then he barked at him, and the bone fell in the river. The dog said, "What a fool I have been," and walked away.

Panchatantra is a collection of Indian fables.

Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?

It was afraid of the nutcracker.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?

It was nut funny.

What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?

A walnut.

What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?

“To be or nut to be.”

What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?

“Nice spread!”