What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”
"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut.
Which nut is worth the most? A cashew.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Peanut. Peanut who? Peanut butter open the door!
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
Ganesha is an elephant.
"Roses are red, Shut up and go to bed!"
A dog found a bone. Then he was walking happily across the street, and he saw a bridge. He decided to walk on the bridge. He saw his reflection and thought it was another dog. Then he barked at him, and the bone fell in the river. The dog said, "What a fool I have been," and walked away.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
