Out jokes

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ruff ruff.

Ruff ruff who?

Let the dogs out.

"Watch out, plane! Wait, really? I ordered pepperoni."

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandpa.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Git is going to let Bill Cosby out of jail. Oh wait, he watched Little Bill.

You are so fat that when you jump into the pool, everyone gets out.

💪 💪 🏋️‍♂️ What do you get when you cross a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a bukkake slut, and a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a sex worker?

Cum Junkie.

ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.

Head and Shoulders!

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

I just found out, these jokes are about dead people.