Off jokes

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

A burrito walked off a building.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Not Sally.

Where do dogs go when their tails fall off?

To the retail store.

symple: Why did you include me in this fuckery?

symple: And why the fuck am I the profile picture?

angela: Because you are the thot of the group.

symple: Well it takes one to know one.

symple: Aren't Thot jokes just "whore'able?"

angela: FUCK OFF!

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

How to silence a black protester at a rally?

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

This joke is so corny I could eat it off the cob.

Yo momma so dumb, she got kicked off the short bus.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off. Okay, moving on. You took too long.

How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply* I don't know how many.)

3, Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply* 3...)

Wrong. 4, Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. Why did Sally fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.

A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."

Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination." The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you." The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, "What was that for?" The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"