My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?
Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.
Off Jokes
Mother: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you follow?
Me: Leads a marching parade off the Golden Gate Bridge.
When Peter Pan jumped off the Twin Towers, what happened? He Neverland.
How do you kidnap Stephen Hawking?
Shut off his computer.
Your mama is so ugly that when she walked in the bank, they had to turn off the cameras.
Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the squad?
She was standing way too close to the dancers.
Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the stage at the performance?
She was standing way too close to the dancers.
You're so white that when I turn off the lights, you're a night light.
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.
Why was the rapper always late?
Because he had to drop his kids off at the Rhyme Bus.
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.
And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.
It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.
This joke is so corny I could eat it off the cob.
Why was the rapper afraid of ghosts?
Because they kept booing him off stage!
Where's your off button?
I traveled through time to get my dad back.
I failed because I was 1e21 years off.
I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.
I never get off on the wrong foot.
"Hola, soy Dora. Do you see the cliff? Say, "backpack." Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff, you will not peek. Did you just peek? Close your eyes, you silly goose." The end.
What did the parent say to M.J.?
"Get off my kid!"
