What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, he just WAVED.
Did you SEA what I did there?
GUY: Yes
Are you SHORE?
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
What does a man with no arms or legs do on Halloween?
Nothing.
What did the orphan say to his father?
Nothing, he doesn't have one.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?
Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.
These are all of my terrible jokes.
Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.
Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.
Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.
He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"
"Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."
This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."
"What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."
"You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"
Chuck knew the answer. "Me."
Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."
Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.
"No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."
He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"
Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.
He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.
A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.
The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.
Peaches-REMAKE-By-Justin Beiber and watersharky Music Productions-
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)
And I see you (oh), the way I breathe you in (in), it's the texture of your skin
I wanna wrap my arms around you, baby, never let you go, oh
And I say, oh, there's nothing like your touch
It's the way you lift me up, yeah
And I'll be right here with you 'til the end
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)
You ain't sure yet, but I'm for ya
All I could want, all I can wish for
Nights alone that we miss more
And days we save as souvenirs
There's no time, I wanna make more time
And give you my whole life
I left my girl, I'm in Mallorca
Hate to leave her, call it torture
Remember when I couldn't hold her
Left her baggage for Rimowa
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)
I get the feeling, so I'm sure (sure)
Hand in my hand because I'm yours
I can't, I can't pretend, I can't ignore you're right for me
Don't think you wanna know just where I've been, oh
Done being distracted
The one I need is right in my arms (oh)
Your kisses taste the sweetest with mine
And I'll be right here with you 'til end of time
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
(I get my light right from the source, yeah, yeah)
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it)
I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
I get my light right from the source, yeah (yeah, that's it).
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
A girl named Kariah was at a night club. She was twerking and shaking, but she was just there for fun with her friends until some guy named Jaden came up to her and started flirting with her.
Jaden: WOW Girl!
Kariah: What?
Jaden: It's just that a sexy girl like you should be having sex, not begging for sex!
Kariah: Okay, listen pimp, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you around me one bit!
Jaden grabbed her hips with such FORCE!
Jaden: Come on, let's go somewhere...private! And have a good time, a fun time!
Kariah slapped him and left the night club, telling her friends she was gone, leaving a tip for the drinks she bought.
Daina: Hey, what's wrong?
Mary: Yeah!
Greg: Sweetie...tell us.
Ariana: Come on...did someone try to touch you in a weird way?!
Kariah wanted to tell them but couldn't; it was too personal.
Kariah: Uh I have to go...it's way passed my curfew! Love you!
Kariah sighed and waited for a cab down by Heyo street. Then a cab man started dirty talking her...DIRTY!
Cab man: Hey, sexy lady! Where are you going?...need a...wow...whoohoo...dang...ride?
Kariah rolled her eyes then stuck her tongue out at the cab man. This fucking cab men said this.
Cab man: Ooooo...use that for the sex!
Kariah: I don't think so!
Cab man: ha uh ha... I see the way your looking at me I know you like me!
Kariah walks away from him and finds another cab, but the cab man did not take her mean talk and weird silents for an answer. Instead, the cab man got out of his "Cab" and harrowed around her.
Cab man: HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?
Kariah: TO MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAN! SO GET LOST BITCH!!!!
You see Kariah was married, she just came to be with her friends at a night club. Cab man gets close to her so she ran...she ran as fast as she could till she tripped on her high heels, once the cab man got close to her he picked her up...I think you know what he did okay I'll tell you. Cab man picked her up and took her back to the cab a.k.a taxi of course she was not gonna give up without a fight...will she gave up!
Cab man: I know ya like me! I just know it! You dressed up in a hoochie and sluty dress for nothing will wrong you LIKE ME maybe love if we get lucky!
He drove her to his house and then took off his cloths "underware included" got on top of her and "Rape was born again". Kariah did not remember a thing that night only that she was forced agianst her will too will have "S.E.X"
What did God say to the good shepherd?
Nothing.
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
