Worst Jokes Ever

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

3.14% of sailors are...

π-rates.

An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick.