Worst Jokes Ever

Roses are red, I like weed,

If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."

What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."

One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."

The other said, "Really? I like my bed."

I did not want to join sailing, but my friend roped me into it.

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?

It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A man gets captured by cannibals.

Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"

Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

Life is all that matters.

DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.

Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?

A: They can’t find home.