"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look pretty flushed.
Why couldn't the pony sing a song?
He was a little horse.
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
What is a woman doing with an empty sheet?
Reading her rights!
Why does a leaf fall faster than an Emo?
The Emo hangs himself.
Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.
Suck!
How does a disabled man go to church? He can't, there's no ramp.
Why do orphans get to watch rated R movies? Because their parents can't stop them.
"Bob it, twist it, pull it, hit it, turn it, twist it, slide it."
Your hairline is so bad, when people see the back of your head they say "nice beard!"
They are delicious.
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
I saw a kid with no phone. I gave him an iPhone 14.
Except it had no home button.
Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.
What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?
They both live long with dry skin.
Why did I give the orphan an iPhone 14?
Because there is no home button.
If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?
