Morbid Jokes

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

What do 100,000 battered women have in common? The bitch was wrong!

You're dead inside.

(Stabs him 23 times)

When a man loses his testosterone,

Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?

What do you call a redneck on fire?

A fire cracker.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

Q: What did I find on my son's search history?

A: Where is the nearest gun shop?

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

Q: What were my son's last words before he died?

A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."

Where does Bin Laden keep his CDs?

In Iraq.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?

Because he fell off his wheelchair.

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

Two gay kids made their version of the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pair of lattes.

What does it take to paint a wall red?

Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"