I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets. He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheel chair, she'll come crawling back.
Why did Paul Walker drown? Because he was to busy carpooling.
What's the difference between my dad and my step dad? My step dad beat my ass before he left
whats the differnece between a baby and a trampoline. the trampoline doesnt cave in when i jump on it
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing eachother and I said excuse where is the bathroom and the man said right over there. I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say "Dad I have to go to school soon"
My dad and cancer go into a fight never saw my dad after that
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey's F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN'T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON'T YOU??!!!!!!
What’s the darkest point in the universe? The inside of a KFC
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands? They can both do dirty things
My Japanese friend told me a Peral Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
hippoty hoppity women are property
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags „We have nuclear submarines which can stay under water for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on „Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater für at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - „Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year. Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, i give you bad luck for 7 years. Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team because everyone who can run jump and swim is already in America
Why don't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
What do shemales and barns have in common?
Cocks
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
How many feminazis does it take to change a light bulb. None, because they can't change anything.
