Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
Morbid Jokes
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
What sayd the man to the woman??
Go to the kitchen lol.
Roses are red.
Grass is green.
I think of you sucking my peen.
At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.
What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
A baby seal walked into a club.
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
What's so bad about 9 divided by 11?
At least Africans don't have to worry about food critics.
What's the difference between sand and food? Africans have plenty of sand.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?
A Catholic priest.
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?
The dinosaur once existed.
