Miscellaneous jokes
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"P,u!"
"P,u who?"
"P,u, you smell like shit!"
Two tourists climb a mountain that utters certain doom.
One tourist falls down. The tourist that's still on the mountain says, "You ok down there?"
The other tourist says, "Can't I just rest in peace?!"
What do you say when you see an apple dancing in a talent show?
He's got some "sweet" moves!
I like my woman like I like my wine, 12 years old and locked in the basement.
What do you call an owl that does magic?
Hooodini.
One day there was a boy who needed the toilet, so he goes to his teacher and asks if he can go to the toilet. The teacher says "yes, but before you go, what are the first 3 letters in the alphabet?" The boy replies, "I don't know, miss..." The teacher says that he will have to wait.
Later, the boy goes home to his mom who is on the phone. He asks, "What is the first letter in the alphabet?" His mom says, "Oh, shut up!" So the boy goes to his dad who is playing darts and says, "What is the second letter in the alphabet?" His dad says "180!" So the boy goes to his sister who is playing with her Barbies. The boy asks, "What is the 3rd letter in the alphabet?" The sister says, "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!"
The next day, the boy goes to school and needs the toilet again, so he goes to ask if he can go, and the teacher says, "Yes, but before you go, what are the 3 letters in the alphabet?" The boy says, "Oh, shut up!" The teacher is angry about that, so she says, "What is the second one?" "180!" says the boy, and the teacher asks him where he is from, and the boy says, "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!"
The end.
Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
'Cause she's a woman.
No, really. Why can't she drive?
Because she died.
I wank over Rose Watson.
You're so small you went surfing on an ice lolly!
What's small, has no dad, and looks like Bugs Bunny?
Ben after he trips over the giant curb!
My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.
What did the chicken say when he crossed the road?
Quack!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate six, five!
So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.
Following your dreams is good... especially since you won’t have to worry about them putting any restraining orders against you.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.
So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"
Do you get it? SEArch.
What do you call an elephant and a rhino mix?
Helliphino!
Why did Morgan’s dad leave her?
She kept making dad jokes.