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Let

Let jokes

Things said by racist aliens:

"Some of my best friends are Green."

"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."

"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."

"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"

"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."

"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"

"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."

"Get out of my store you grigger!"

"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

  • 8

    • Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"

    The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."

    After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.

    What did the cow say when it wanted to go to the movies? -- "Let's go to the moovies!"

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

    Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

    Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

    Stranger 1: You can't!

    Stranger 2: You can.

    Stranger 3: How?

    Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

    Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

    Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

    Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

    (The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

    Are we supposed to submit jokes?

    This website.

    Also, how did Trump's wall let this website in?

    I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”

  • 2

    • Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

    So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

    The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

    She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

    Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

    So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

    So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

    White people: *come to America, meet natives and take food, kill them, rape them, and enslave them.*

    Natives: Can y-

    White people: Hey, you remember all that horrible sh*t we did to you? Let's have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives.

    Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?

    Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!

    Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?

    Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!

    Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.

    A FEW MOMENTS LATER

    Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?

    Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...

    TWO HOURS LATER

    Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

    AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER

    I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

    How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

    I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

    Her pants were on fire.

    Two girls have a sleepover.

    Karen: Let's go to bed.

    Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

    *Karen wakes up and exits room*

    *Lauren hears noise*

    Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

    Lauren: *laughs*

    Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

    A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

    Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

    Man: "But I am already in love with you."

    And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

    The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

    Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

    And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

    Man: "And here is some candy."

    And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

    One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

    Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

    Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

    The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

    And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

    999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

    Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

    999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

    1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

    Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

    And the police show up.

    First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

    The girl points to the man and says "This man."

    Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

    Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

    Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

    When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

    One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

    The police see him and run after him.

    Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

    The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

    And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.