Opportunity jokes

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

Michael proved anything is possible in America. Where else can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

Why does the Jedi never join the dark side?

If they did, then they would lose the opportunity to molest young padawans.

Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

I went on a one in a lifetime vacation. Never again!

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

What's the only good part of your crush dying before you have the chance to bang her?

She can't say no!

In 2006 on 6/9, there was something called communication opportunity happened. On 6/9. 69. Coincidence? I think NOT.

GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:

While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

This is a lot like anal sex.

You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Me.

Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.

Gutted rn... the girl I loved hard just got in a relationship. She liked me too so I missed the chance. Idk if she still does... man...

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."