IT jokes
What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?
Time to get in trouble!
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
What time is it when you say, "Wake up?"
It is morning.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
There was a woman sitting with me.
I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.
I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.
What's an orphan's favorite food? Nothing, they can't afford it.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
I once tried to have a family friendly conversation with a worm, but it kept its head in the dirt.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.
There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
What time is it when you say "what?"
Time to start over!
Why do people say "cheese" when they are taking a photo?
Because they were using the computer and thought about it.
What time is it when dogs get hurt?
Time to take your dog to the vet!