Husband jokes

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."