Howe jokes
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Q: How do you make a door cry?
A: Twist its knob.
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
Memes
Took me about 15 seconds of staring in confusion to figure out how the illusion worked
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
How do you get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How does NASA organise a party?
They ‘PLANET’.
How did the retard win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Q: How do you get the retard kid out of the tree?
A: Wave at him.
Donald Trump secretly admires Joe Biden. How do I know?
He attempts to imitate "Sleepy Joe" by falling asleep during his court cases and during part of the Republican National Convention!
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?
He spills coffee on his iPad.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
How many babies does it take to light up a basement?
I don't know, my basement is still dark.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.