Howe Jokes

ahem.. if somebody you dont like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this

Hello thank you for choosing mamas pizzeria/ abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce how may i help you?

hello this is davids orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you?

some people reactions are priceless and then the wonder about you mental health

How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

I don't know, my basement is still dark.

The teacher asked a young boy in primary school "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

To which the boy replies "No"

The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.

At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

"Shut up" she replied

The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks "Can you teach me the alphabet?"

But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.

But his brother is singing "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.

But his sister is singing "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.

The boy replies "Shut up."

"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."

The boy replies "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

In the office, the principal says "who do you think you are?"

The boy replies "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The principal now says "how do you think you'll get away with this?"

The boy them replies "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

There is a rich child and a poor child. The rich child invites the poor child to his house and shows him all the toys and tells him: Look at what a beautiful radio-controlled airplane I have it,but you don't have it because you are poor! The poor child answers:You're right it's very nice but i'have one thing that you don't have! The Rich child then invites him into the garden and shows him the swimming pool, the trampoline and all the other games that can be done outdoors and tells ti the pope child: looks that beautiful swimming pool I have is very big you don't have it because you are poor! and the poor child says: Beautiful is really beautiful! But one thing that you don't have. So the rich child feels bad he says: Wait but I'm rich, how is it possible? I have everything i want because I'm rich.Why you have something that I don't have? And the poor child says : I have cancer!

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?

They boil the hell out of it.

How is wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.

i told my mom that i have a crush she replied with: "so u like girls" i said: "uhm no no no " BUT im lesbian someone help how do i tell her without her hitting me with a belt??

How to kill a blond put a scratch & sniff in a pool]

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

How are peppers 🌶 so nosey?

They get jalapeño business.

Mother: How is my little cookie 🍪 doing?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: Your cookie 🍪 is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor 👩‍⚕️: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Q: How do you blind a woman? A: You put a windshield in front of her

How do you blindfold an Asian? You use dental floss.

the biggest inconvenience in 2001 i thought was my brother turns out it was 9/11 i guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was aluh aluckbar

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop - Right. So you weight yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool. - Oh..that might actually be even easier