Newest Hospital Jokes - Page 2

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit scucide. (YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Fill it out if u want

#THINGS I HAVE DONE PROJECT
O Been in Love
O Have Anxiety
O Broken Hearts
O Felt Insecure
O Been Ignored
O Been Embarrassed
O Stolen
O Lied
O Been Heartbroken
O Kissed
O Had a Boyfriend
O Had a Girlfriend
O Cheated
O Been Cheated On
O Had Sex
O Cried Myself to Sleep
O Stayed Up All Night
O Smiled
O Laughed
O Fake Smiled
O Been Verbally Abused
O Been Physically Abused
O Been Sexually Abused
O Hated Someone
O Hated Myself
O Gotten a Tattoo
O Gotten Piercings
O Traveled
O Been Stung
O Broken Bones
O Skipped School
O Want/Wanted to Die
O Been Depressed
O Binged
O Failed a Class
O Purged
O Starved
O Gotten All A's
O Gotten Suspended
O Gotten Expelled
O Been to Jail
O Been Cyber-bullied
O Been Bullied
O Been a Bully
O Have/Had Anorexia
O Have/Had Bulimia
O Cut Myself
O Burned Myself
O Drank
O Smoked
O Done Drugs
O Have/Had an Addiction
O One Month Clean
O Attempted Suicide
O Know Someone Who Has
O Lost Someone to Suicide
O Overdosed
O Hallucinated
O Been Hospitalized
O Seen a Therapist
O Told Your Parents
O Have Other Mental Disorders
O Have Other Medical Problems
O Take Meds
O Hide Scars wockalbin
O Have a Secret Account
O Relapsed
O Other Forms of Self-harm O Accepted Myself
@violetsunlight7

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?

An escapee from a mental hospital

So a woman gives birth to a child and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down and starts swinging it around the room and slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go you sick bastard!”, and the doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Why was the north tower a bad doctor when the south tower collapsed? Bc the north tower didn’t do cpr

A woman having labor suddenly shouted; “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

i work on medicine my jod is to smell it to see if its bad :)

Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence...

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

no thank u for sleeping

When you turn off all the
annoying
beeping things in the hospitals and
every one starts sleeping better
$
M.No need to thank me.

31. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

32. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow. The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it." "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow. "Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

33. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home. “I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

34. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

35. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

36. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."