Home jokes

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field?

One has a home.

The orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home.

Why did Stephen Hawking's girlfriend finish with him? Because he would never walk her home.

What do you call a house with dog hair?

A shed.

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

What is the best way to run away from home?

Join the military.

What can you never tell an orphan?

Go home to your parents.

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Why do most orphans cook for themselves?

They don't have a home cook.

A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

Why can't orphans have an iPhone?

'Cause they can't find the home button.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.