Home jokes
Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.
When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
Why can't I touch little old women, but nursing home nurses can?
Why do orphans love Home Alone?
They like to see a familiar picture.
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
Why can’t orphans win trophies?
Because they can’t take them home.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"
An orphan once said, "I will call my mum and go home."
A homeless kid once said he will go home.
Orphans are pretty tough. I mean, you never see them running home...
Apple created the iPhone X for orphans because they don't have a home.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't get home.
I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.
Me calling the orphan kid from school: "Hello, are your parents home?"
The orphan kid: *starts sobbing* "STOP CALLING HERE!"
My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.
Why do Orphans like school?
Because they don't have a home to go back to afterwards.
What did the creep do when the woman said, “Make yourself at home?”
He hid in her attic.
New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.