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"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.

One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.

Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.