HI jokes

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Why was the emo kid sad? Because his bar code expired.

Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?

So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

Why couldn't the astronaut put the helmet on his head?

Because he didn't have enough space.

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

This is the real reason why the chicken crossed the road.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his grandmother at KFC.

Yo mama so ugly!

The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

For all the talk of Donald Trump loving America, most of his lovers are imported from Eastern Europe.