HI jokes

My grandpa said this generation relies too much on tech, so I unplugged his life support.

An emo kid sees his clothes hanging to dry, and he says to his clothes, "I wish I were you!"

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat-mate.

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.

Kylin fucks his sister.

Little Mickel was on a tree.

He fell down and hurt his knee.

He sat down and started to cry, and from there, he would never lie.

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?

He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”

A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.

"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"

Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

Where did the king put his armies?

In his sleevies.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

What type of bee can't make up his mind?

A maybe.