HI jokes

Why did Billy drop his ice cream?

'Cause he got hit by a bus.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Joe Biden doesn’t follow his own f**king mask mandate.

What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?

It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.

Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!

Hi, I'm cool.

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.

A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:

"You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"

The girl, showing her arm:

"Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.

Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.

Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman 🤭

What's the difference between a toaster and a ten-year-old Chinese girl? A Japanese soldier would regret sticking his d*ck into a toaster.

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"