What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Your mother is so fat that her BMI (Body Mass Index) exceeds 40, therefore classifying her as morbidly obese.
What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
Wet noses.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
Stranger: Do you need hair regrowth products?
Kid: No, my hairline is just far back.
Stranger: Do you need a doctor?
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
I was going to think of a good amputee joke...
But I’m stumped.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Roger.
(Roger who?)
Roger walks away, silently sobbing, having realized his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse!
Q: What's green and yellow and eats balls?
A: Gonorrhea.
