Friends jokes

My friend's mom died, and he also died in a crash.

If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?

Why do asscheeks make great friends?

They always stick together!

"Yo, Gabriella, any idea where our other friends are?"

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

Your hairline goes so far back, your mom is scared you're not going to make friends.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

I had a friend named Wemiyoe... We call him "we me you."

My friend: Yo stupid.

Me: Is that right, and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?

My friend: *rolls eyes and says whatever.*

Me: Keep on rolling them, you might find your brain in there.

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?

A. May your baby rest in pieces.

I have a friend of mine from school. I always see them with bangs, so I never knew what their forehead looked like until one day they came... Their forehead was bigger than Mount Everest, that you can make an entire Olympics mountain climbing audition on that forehead! :)

I went to go mine for some gold, but then I saw some shorts.

Friend: "Your jokes are too short."

Me: "Zip it, my jokes are always golden."

Friend: "You're such an ingot, don't forget your jokes are always Aurum."

Me: "I know my jokes are Aurum; it's always because I always glitz."

Friend: "At least I have luminescent" (Get it? Lu mines cent)

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

My friend was the only one who laughed.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.

Jane ate her friend’s colon.

Me: I call my girl Cinderella.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because she loves balls.

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything.

What did I say to my friend? "Job, your new name is Jojo Siwa."

What did I say to my friend, "Job, your new name is Jojo Siva?"