Friends jokes

The name is Ash, Johnathan Ash. My friends call me Jack.

My friend is so ugly, she got surgery twice, but not even that could fix her.

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.

He jumped off a curb stone.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

My friend's man has seizures, so guess who won their breakdancing tournament.

Meant to say my friend's nan, not man.

What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.

Mom: Hey you! What are you doing?!

Me: Nothing, why?

Mom: You're supposed to do your ______.

Me that/every night: *sob*

Friends: Are you okay?

Me: Yeah, fine.

Me in head: Or maybe I'm not okay...

Friend: Your life is a joke.

Me: No, jokes have meaning.

My friend's mom died, and he also died in a crash.

My friend: Yo stupid.

Me: Is that right, and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?

My friend: *rolls eyes and says whatever.*

Me: Keep on rolling them, you might find your brain in there.

If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?

Why do asscheeks make great friends?

They always stick together!

"Yo, Gabriella, any idea where our other friends are?"

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

I have a friend of mine from school. I always see them with bangs, so I never knew what their forehead looked like until one day they came... Their forehead was bigger than Mount Everest, that you can make an entire Olympics mountain climbing audition on that forehead! :)

I went to go mine for some gold, but then I saw some shorts.

Friend: "Your jokes are too short."

Me: "Zip it, my jokes are always golden."

Friend: "You're such an ingot, don't forget your jokes are always Aurum."

Me: "I know my jokes are Aurum; it's always because I always glitz."

Friend: "At least I have luminescent" (Get it? Lu mines cent)

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

My friend was the only one who laughed.