Family jokes

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

My mom is bad and my dad is bad.

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"

The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."

One time I tried running to home, but I forgot I don't have one, so I stayed at third.

You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."

When the school shooter enters the classroom and it's the quiet kid's dad.

What is an orphan's favorite movie? Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Hippity hoppity, you are no one's property.

Why did the orphan become a criminal?

Because he wanted to actually be wanted.

Why do orphans love Home Alone?

They like to see a familiar picture.

Kids when they meet a kid out of home alone be like: “At least your mom came back!”

I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?

He said “Wynaut.”

I asked the orphan why he was crying. He didn't really say anything.

Then I asked where are your parents? He cried more. I love working at the orphanage.

Why do orphans hate mitosis cells?

They have parents.

Why did the orphan fail all his classes?

He couldn’t do his homework.

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

Step on your small sister's foot, she will always open her mouth like a dustbin.

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.