Family jokes
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.
"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."
- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*
What's an orphan's favorite shop? Home Depot.
What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
Yo mama so fat, Dora can't explore her.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Why can't orphans play poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not your parents.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They have no home to run to.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Why is an orphan afraid to play baseball?
They are afraid they won't find home.
What's the worst place to teach an orphan? Homeschool.
Why can't orphans watch PG?
They don't have any parental guidance.
What kind of flour do orphans use to bake bread?
Self-raising flour.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he could call someone Father.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
Why can't orphans use iPhones?
They can't find the home button.