Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
Man, everybody's birthday is this year! 🤦🏽♂️
There was a wedding so sad that even the cake was in tiers.
Your breath is so hot, it made the Chicago fire!
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
once we went to a light bulb party last night , YO it was freakin lit.
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One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I was going to invite your friends to your birthday, but they were all extinct.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon..
And into a children's birthday party.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to the Super Bowl with a spoon!
Why did 10 kill itself?
Because it was between 9/11.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.
Not a soul in sight.
