How do you annoy Pinocchio?
Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand-up.
Q: Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!"
Q: What is the best Disney character?
A: Toe Mater.
Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
What does a French woman say when you ask her what her favorite video game is? "Oui, oui!"
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...
Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie, bastard, lie!"
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.
The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"
Gaston gets the no-Belle prize! :D
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
