Drunk Jokes

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.

Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.

One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.

For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?

He blacks out.

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk?

Nothing... she couldn't tell.

Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

What do you call a drunken Muslim?

Mohammered.