DOE jokes

Does anyone know where I can get that picture that went around the internet of Steven Hawking looking at the stairway to Heaven and saying “Oh Fu-k”?

What does iCloud eat for lunch?

Your documents.

What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?

Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.

Hey! Some idiot drew a cat on this pillar! Wait... does that make it a caterpillar?

Why does Royal Cola have more royalty than a queen?

Answer: It tastes better.

What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?

They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.

What does Stephen Hawking eat?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What does a volcano say when it has a runny nose?

"I have runny volcanoes."

What does an orphan say a lot? "Where is my house?"

If Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, does that mean that every country is a 3rd world country?

What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"

How does a rapper greet someone on a cold day?

"Yo, is the temperature Ice Cube, or Vanilla Ice?"

If someone has a hyperfixation with drawing and playing, does that mean they are on the "artism" spectrum?

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

Teacher: Ok class good morning, we are going to start off by what kind of sound animals make.

Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?

Class: A cow says mo mo.

Teacher: Good.

Teacher: What does a sheep make?

Class: A sheep says maa maaa.

Teacher: Good! Now what does a pig say?

Little Johnny: A pig says "Put your hands up and get agenst the wall you black mother fucke*."

Why can’t Sally hang herself?

She does not have arms.

What is a tree that does not exist?

A money tree.

How does Stephen Hawking charge his computer?

How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Keyboard sex!

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...