Dis jokes

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

I asked an emo girl if she gets jealous when her phone dies.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one asks for a glass of H2O. The second one asks for a glass of H2O, too. The second one dies. Why?

What happened after Technoblade died?

Everyone got raw pork chop.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

I bet emos get jealous when their phone dies.

What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Di.

Di who?

See, easily forgotten.

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?