Death

Death jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My father died last month."

"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"

What's worse than 100 dead babies in a skip?

The one that's still alive in the middle trying to eat its way out.

Did you know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders on the car dashboard.

What's the difference between the Queen's death and Princess Diana's death? The Queen died in peace, not pieces.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

Why don't orphans learn about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.

Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.