Dais jokes

Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around.

I see them hang all day.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."

I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage :)

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.

I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.

Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

Old man: I ran over five miles today.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!