Childhood jokes
Why is E.T. better than an orphan?
Because he found his way home.
What’s a depressed kid's favorite game? Hangman.
What did the orphan say to the other? "Quickly Robin, to the Batmobile!"
I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?
Their parents never say yes.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
What do a priest and Life have in common?
They both get harder when kids are around.
Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Q: Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
A: Because their dad is shopping for the milk.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?
Because they only gave him one test tickle.