Canning jokes

Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.

One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

My friend is blind so he can "no see."

Why can an orphan play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

A man walks into a library.

Man: "Hello ma'am, do you know where I can find a book on suicide?"

Librarian: "Do you know about our return policy?"

Suicidal Man: ...

Librarian: ...

The Woman checking out a book: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

What has 4 wheels and can fly? A garbage truck.

What is the difference between a human being and a tree?

A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.

Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

Hey, cobalt can't. But tin can ;)

What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?

Vat-I-cans!

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a nail?

Answer: You can unscrew the nail.

Q: Why can't orphans be gay?

A: Because they don't have anyone they can call "Daddy."

Charger: Yo, Phone.

Phone: Yeah?

Charger: Can I plug all in you?

Phone: Ayooo!