Canning jokes
What has 4 wheels and can fly? A garbage truck.
What is the difference between a human being and a tree?
A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.
Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
Memes
Hey, cobalt can't. But tin can ;)
What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?
Vat-I-cans!
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?
Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a nail?
Answer: You can unscrew the nail.
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: Because they don't have anyone they can call "Daddy."
Charger: Yo, Phone.
Phone: Yeah?
Charger: Can I plug all in you?
Phone: Ayooo!
Q: If a cat says to a dog, "All dogs are liars," and the dog says to the cat, "All cats are liars," what does it mean?
A: It means cats and dogs can talk.
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What thing can jump the highest?
Emo kids, some of them are still in the air.
How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag? One of her socks is missing!
What danger does this put them in? Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Who thinks people should stop doing orphan jokes? Type here so we can talk about it.
Guys, can we stop this stupid drama? I just wanna post my "Doin' Your Mom" lyrics and funny jokes! Please stop it!
Boy: "Mister, can I get candy?"
Mister: No, you shit head.
Boy: Why? :(
Mister: Because I'm not your dad.
Where can a male and female rabbit make love at? The rabbit house or the rabbit hole?