Both jokes
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
Memes
What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?
They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."
Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave children's rooms with an empty sack.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
What do gay people and mice have in common?
They both hate pussy cats!
This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.