Both jokes

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.

What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?

There is none, they both go up in flames.

What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!

What do Michael Jackson and Pinocchio have in common?

They both lie over little boys 😂

Why is America so bad at chess?

They lost both of their towers.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

What do a priest and a McDonalds have in common?

They both slide their meat in 10 year old buns.

What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"

What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both shove their meat between 10-year-old buns.

What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They're both turned on by kids.

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."